two things

1st- there's a girl in every town.

2nd-most things are just fads. 

i didnt, say, choose the solitary path. maybe it was my father told me i am a thinking person, so i became. also told me i am an attractive person. have i chosen to become self aware of it? well geeeeeeezzzzzeeeeee i dunno. should i? 

i mean, for a little while, i thought i could pull it off, living in relationship, you know, that kind....you know. i can. yet according to some and one half self, it goes against my nature. and we all know how damn stressful reinventing yourself is. you can only do it so many times before people stop taking you seriously. 

or maybe they never started taking you seriously, and thats how we got in this God-awful shitty mess to begin with. 

i hear you saying, "you are also the culprit." yes, i turn people down, and i dont know how to reconcile it. beggar wants to choose. im not a beggar. but i do feel. 

when it all comes down to it, im not gonna dumb it down. we'll either speak the same language or we'll become horrendously awkward. some people cant handle that. 

where are all the dangerous people?

"if they drive God from the streets, we will find Him underground." -Fyodor Dostoevsky

He anticipated asking the question before he even went to the first class. He asked it the second class. 

"Despite the overwhelming continuity present in many of the ancient manuscripts, there still seems to be a lot of conjecture for something that is supposed to be regarded as being 'inerrant.' How can we rule out social, political, and selfish motivating factors for the canonical selection process of the ancient church fathers?"

I knew it would come up. Its why i took the class. Besides, it had come up before. I had asked it before, in a far more rigid context. I was in the back of the room, i remember. And i remember people turning round in their chairs after i asked it. 

But back to now; It came up in a class handout. It was a page with a table with seven or eight rows and about twenty columns. On the rows were listed famous early Christian figures of antiquity: Clement, Justin Martyr, Eusebius, etc, and in the columns were the included books in  their corresponding individual canonical New Testaments. Each one was different. 

I think i cared so much because this is MY tradition, MY belief, the beginnings of MY story being told to me in front of my eyes. Of course you want to be certain of its certainty. 

I have been thinking, both in the present events of today and the past occurrence at PBU several years go, whether, if I had held my peace, the question would have remained unasked, and the current Christian generation would have continued on with its often blatantly irresponsible ignorance of the historical foundations of the religion they so fervently attempt to both live out and spread to others. 

lately

been thinking about david bazan's new album, curse your branches, and its incredible insight into the imminent agnosticism of the christian skeptic's hero. 

more to come. an article, perhaps. 

for now, some uncompleted lyrics to a new song, melody known. 

wait, wait, wait for love on a trampoline

she'll walk down on a summer's night

lay, lay, lay in the skin of a human being

cause the leaves don't fall where they want to. 

speak to the earth, say where has your father gone, 

cause the children are all asking me. 

and the leaves don't fall where they want to, where they want to, where they want to...