tonight there is only home, an open window above my bed, and the exceedingly calming and familiar spiced air of an October midnight silence in rural Chester County.

i am invited to rest.

theres a clock ticking down to the zero hour at which point i will become, whether self-prescribed or other, a full grown man. full grown men are by definition good, and full grown men act a certain way, mainly, full grown men do not damn themselves. they are capable of accepting salvation.

it is not necessary for you to be this way. we're growing up, and im tired of your cursing. im tired of your smoking and your drinking. and im tired of your depression and your sophisticated concrete slabs. im tired of this rambling academia and its nuclear-powered agenda of deconstruction. im tired of existing only in the world of ideas while simultaneously ignoring the world of action. im tired of doubting God when his entire creation is displayed before me each morning, whether in the trees of my neighborhood or in the people that constantly surround me. im tired of pushing people away. its time to be a father now. and i will let myself be fathered, and i will make peace with my tradition. its time to move to the country, get married, quit the band, committ to someone/something, be a father and a husband. its time to work on a farm. its time to love and make music which inspires peace and goodness and avoid music which draws attention to its own state of helpless apathy, brought about not as the product of some divine scourge but solely by the lies which we have believed about the extent of our helplessness in the world. its time to stop being so hard on myself. its time to be ok with never writing another song for the rest of my life. im tired of you loving the sound of your own voice.

ive played the role of the lonely intellectual wanderer for a while now, and im ready to engage in the kind of relationship that will quiet many of those fears forever. for now i will wait patiently.

today i was forced, through a set of external circumstances, to put to bed a particular part of my past that i was not necessarily prepared to let go of.

goodbye

so for those times when i dont feel like dabbling with an alter ego, i thought maybe id create a real blog, you know, a normal one, where i could talk about cool stuff in a normal way, and it would be me, and you wouldnt have to second guess yourself.

and these two parallel things would represent different things, because i would want them to, and set them up in such a way as to make the one more experimental/stream of consciousness (here you are), and the other more normal, more straightforward you know? i like normal people and sometimes i just wanna talk about what im listening to, but come on should that really be on the same page as my crazy rants? this is not business, people, ok? you probably just want to hear a normal voice by now, someone you can trust.

so its coming, as soon as i have the motivation to create it, a normal blog that is. and perhaps you can tell me which you like better- or, even better, you can choose which one you want to be the actual representation of me, and roll with it.

im far more normal in everyday life anyway. ive created these people, remember?

holy holy holy

Lord God Almighty,

all thy works shall praise thy name in earth and sky and sea.

only thou art holy, there is none beside thee

perfect in power, in love and purity.

geez, just look at the evolution of a man's consciousness.

and i love the feeling, i love the feeling.

and allow me not to make any specific references. names- my name? aaron daniel mcgarvey. do not allow any part of myself to influence myself please. do not allow, say, the fact that i have been in love to influence my campaign office please.

im running for office, didnt you know? but im not going to let my private self influence my public self.

*the wanderings have ceased for know, and i have put my schizophrenic friend to bed. tomorrow we will wake up together, and we will get something to eat.

perhaps after that we shall conquer the sea.

thank you. thank you.......

there is hope for the lonely in the fields of chester county.

ill tell you where it is- its on a covered bridge that floats over the water. and if you go, please tell me first, so i can share it with you, because i would want to preface it by saying that you will feel love- particularly if you are already in love, and strong will it be for you to feel.

you can wash your dirty hands clean in the river in which there is the only sound. by you and me. but im still imagining the you with the me, because it is to you that i have bequeathed the keys to the kingdom of my heart, and this is what i spend my time imagining.

you want to know, do you? well ok. im making that up. im going to tell you even if you didnt. but then i would just be telling myself. but selfishness is the new selflessness so it ok. ok. ok.

i imagine a companion in my deepest imagination, and i say "hello lover" while she sits in the passenger seat as we drive through that peace that i was just talking about. and the incompleteness is there, but why does it come is stages? for i can be content with a blade of grass. but i will cry cry cry for the love that i never had.

but i imagine a companion. if you want to know about me, imagine that i imagine a companion for all that i do, all the time. but do not come knocking on my door asking, that is, unless of course you are the one, and im sorry dear only i can make that decision. but this is what she said.

so no judging me tonight ok? this is for me, ok. just promise me you wont judge me, and open your arms to receive me.

and may it happen in a field.