i am the commander of the world inside my head, and nobody knows it but me. it is where i have gone to escape that miserable swell of loneliness that has made this summer one of the most depressing on record. for i like to think that its not my fault. i tried not to be lonely, i tried to like myself, etc. but it all bottomed out, and i think, i think i venture to say that perhaps the circumstances that led to its bottoming out were outside of my control, but what the hell does that mean? should i take any comfort in that, that the reason i am alone now is outside of my control? if i were a judge i would condemn myself. id give myself the maximum sentence (eternity in hell of course) for not getting it right.

"you didnt get it right" i would say, "you screwed up, you failed to realize such and such. you did not have this particular epiphany at this particular time, so you fail. and o yea, the reason youre alone is your own damn fault. you could've reached out to those people, but you turned them away instead. you retreated into your own little world, and the ones you did pursue were the ones you knew would not or could not love you, and you pursued them because you have this sick fascination for things you cannot have, and when they all denied you you just retreated further and further inward, until ambition was your only friend. you read books, you learned languages, you played instruments, you created art, all in an attempt to fill the vacant space of your own boredom movement that only further perpetuates your depression. you are responsible for all of the worlds evils, and you are responsible for not solving them, and you are responsible for all of the worlds questions, and you are responsible for not answering them. yet you are far too cowardly to die on a cross. in the absence of your God, you derived your self worth from your degree of self-perceived intelligence. and then, to top it off, you run through these hypothetical situations in your head where you are your own judge on Judgement Day, and, like Faust, you thrive on the enjoyment of your own viciously public self-deprecation. you hate yourself, so you play neurotic in an attempt to muddle your own identity. then you talk back to yourself so that you do not know who to trust. then you talk back to the talk backer. you say you want to travel, you need to be on the road, but why cant you realize that when you are on the road you are always alone, and all you are trying to do is run from your own loneliness. but you cannot run from it, because at any moment you may become suddenly aware that there is no one in the passenger seat.

and so, for all this, you are condemned. but do you want to know the reason, aaron, why you are condemned most of all? you are condemned most of all because in all of your loneliness, you regretted to notice the poor widow at your doorstep. you could not see the forest for the trees.

but i need, i say, i need. i am convinced that i simply cannot see the forest in isolation. it takes another.